Couples therapy
Seeking help as a couple is not a sign that the relationship is failing. More often, it is a sign that something has got stuck and that both people would like things to change.
The work is neither about deciding who is to blame nor about deciding for you whether you should stay together. It is about making possible again a conversation that, for some time, has been going nowhere.
What it is
Most couples who seek help do not come because they no longer love each other, but because they can no longer talk to each other. The same arguments keep coming back, on the same subjects, with the same phrases and the same outcome. Each knows in advance what the other will say, and neither feels heard.
These sequences are more repetitive than they seem. A reproach calls for a justification, which leads to withdrawal, which leads to a sharper reproach: the subject changes — money, household tasks, in-laws, sex, children — but the mechanism stays the same. It is this mechanism that becomes the focus of the work, more than the apparent subject of the latest argument.
The reasons vary. An open crisis after an affair or a revelation. A slow drifting apart, without open conflict, until one day you realise you are simply living side by side. A transition that has shifted the balance: the arrival of a child, a move, an illness, retirement, children leaving home. A difficulty in your intimate life. Or a question nobody dares ask out loud: are we going to carry on?
It should be said plainly: couples therapy does not guarantee that you will stay together, and that is not its stated aim. Some couples find a way to rebuild; others come to understand that they want to separate, and can then do so with greater clarity — which matters particularly when there are children. No form of support can honestly promise to save a relationship.
Signs that lead people to seek help
What couples most often describe at the first appointment.
The same arguments coming back, with the same words and the same outcome
Feeling that you are no longer heard, or that you have to raise your voice to exist
Gradually drifting apart: talking about logistics rather than about yourselves
Contempt, sarcasm or criticism that has crept into everyday exchanges
A crisis of trust after an affair or a lie
A lasting disagreement about your intimate life, or its fading away without being talked about
An imbalance in day-to-day responsibilities that breeds resentment
The question, present but never asked out loud, of whether to carry on
Where there is physical or sexual violence or coercive control, couples therapy is not the right response. In France, 3919 can be called free of charge and anonymously, and 17 or 112 in immediate danger.
How I work with couples
Sessions are held with both partners. At some point in the work I may suggest an individual meeting with each of you, but within a framework agreed in advance: I do not become the keeper of one person’s secrets against the other, nor anyone’s ally. My neutrality is not a pose; it is what makes the work possible.
The first stage is about hearing both versions. They almost always differ, and the aim is not to decide which one is accurate: two people can honestly describe the same scene in two opposite ways, and that is precisely what makes dialogue difficult. Recognising that each account makes sense without proving the other wrong is already a shift.
We then identify the sequences that repeat themselves. We slow down a recent argument, frame by frame: what was said, what was heard, what each of you felt and what you did next. Seen from the outside, the mechanism becomes readable, and it stops looking like one person’s fault.
Part of the work is practical and concerns how you talk to each other: expressing a request rather than a reproach, distinguishing a fact from an interpretation, knowing how to stop an escalation before it takes off. These are skills that can be learned, not a natural talent for communication.
We also look at what each of you brings from your own history — what you learned about conflict, dependence, the place you take — because deadlocks in a relationship often run deeper than the couple itself.
An important caveat: where there is violence within the relationship, couples therapy is not appropriate and may make the situation worse. What is needed then is separate support and safety. In France, 3919 can be called free of charge and anonymously to talk about it.
How long it takes
Couples sessions are longer than an individual session, as two people need time to express themselves. They usually take place every two weeks: the interval gives what has been worked on time to be tested in everyday life.
The length of couples therapy is not decided in advance: it depends on what brings you and on what you want to do with it.
We regularly take stock together of what has shifted and of whether it is useful to continue. Couples work sometimes leads to individual therapy for one partner, or the other way round; in that case, I refer you to a colleague rather than taking on both roles, which would not be workable for anyone.
Fees and reimbursementFrequently asked questions
My partner does not want to come. Is it still worth it?
Coming on your own is still useful. A couple works as a system: when one person changes the way they react, the usual sequence can no longer play out in the same way. The work will then focus on your position in the relationship and on what you want for yourself. Sometimes the partner joins later, but that cannot be the stated aim of the work.
Will you tell us who is wrong?
No, and that would be the surest way to make the work impossible. My role is not to arbitrate but to make what is happening between you readable. In most relationship deadlocks, each person acts in a way that has its own logic and which, combined with the other’s, creates a circle nobody can get out of. That circle is what we look at.
What if the work leads us to separate?
That is a possible outcome, and I say so from the start rather than leaving it unspoken. Couples therapy does not promise to keep the relationship going: it helps you understand what is happening and make a decision with full knowledge of the facts. When separation becomes inevitable, having prepared it together can make it less destructive, particularly for children.
Can we come after an affair?
Yes, and it is a common reason for seeking help. The work then focuses on what has been broken, on what each of you needs to understand, and on whether trust can be rebuilt. It is not about extracting confessions or settling scores in session, but about working out what can be resumed and on what terms.
Are couples sessions covered by health insurance?
Sessions with a psychologist are not reimbursed by the French national health insurance (Assurance Maladie) outside the Mon soutien psy scheme, which does not cover couples sessions. Some top-up health insurers (mutuelles) offer an annual allowance for sessions with a psychologist: you receive a receipt (note d’honoraires) at each session to send to them.
Other areas of support
Book an appointment
An initial fifteen-minute phone call, with no commitment, lets us see whether my approach matches what you are looking for. If it does not, I will refer you to a colleague.